Four Moron Years. Etc.

Although the sense of occasion was slightly dented by it being essay handin day and me having spent the previous night glugging bin-sized amounts of crude-oil strength black coffee whilst trying to finish and proof-read an essay on New Labour’s anti Social Exclusion policies - or lack of them - I voted on Thursday.
The options on my ballot paper were Conservative, Labour, Liberal Democrat and Veritas. I had hoped there might be a “Labour, Yes, But Kick Blair’s Smug Sorry Arse To Timbuktoo (And Robert Kilroy-Shitforbrains’s As Well, Incidentally, Bitte Sehr)” option, but since, mysteriously, there wasn’t, I voted Lib Dem….

…as did the people of Hornsey and Wood Green, in great numbers, allegedly - although the one person I know, and the squillion Guardianistas my Dad knows in that constituency said they weren’t going to vote, so I’m not quite sure who’s included in that count.

Labour just about held on in Durham (and in neighbouring Sedgefield, where Tony Blair squirmed his way through the speech of an independent candidate whose son was killed in Iraq).

South East England, of course, stays Blue For The Most, including as it does Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Berkshire, Kent, Essex, Middlesex and various places where you could field a hatstand with a Tory rosette on (or, in the case of 2001 in Bucks, a Mr Bean lookalike) and win.

Understandably, having lived in Holland for 19 years of her life, my housemate has little interest in British politics and went to bed at 11 to escape the whole thing.
I, by contrast, having slept the entire day save the hour set aside for voting/essay handin, felt geared up to watch the entire nights’ coverage, and did til about 3am.
The BBCs “voting intention” report from the King’s Head Theatre pub in Islington amused me. Clearly they’d been gearing up to do some nice suitably sneery interviews with gung-ho Blairite Bruscetta-chompers fresh from purchasing the latest dinner-party jazz compilation. What they got was one vaguely middle-class first-time voter who would’ve voted Green but forgot to send off her form in time, a couple more nondescript young women who seemed dimly aware there was an election on, and a hatchet-faced middle-aged cockney who snapped: “Thass my bizniss not yours fank yoo very much” at them.

I was having an ever-entertaining MSN Messenger conversation with Steve as the results came in. (he signed on to MSN fairly recently and I elicit more interesting personal details about him as each conversation passes).
Hooray for lots of random chit chat punctuated with: “Where the hell is Putney?”
Sample transcript:

Steve says:
how the hell can tories take somewhere like wandsworth?!
Steve says:
oh it was putney
M says:
where the hell is putney?! london obviously but where? (yes, I did History instead of Geography at GCSE, alright?)
(pause)
M says:
the tory candidate’s quite fit tho.
M says:
(i didnt say that!!!!!!)
Steve says:
on the river
Steve says:
across the river from Fulham
Steve says:
too old for me, u can have her!
M says:
ok, was that a bizarre joke or do i REALLY need glasses? she looked about 12 to me!
Steve says:
yes it was a joke
M says:
thank you for the err, reassurance.
Steve says:
which county do u think her daddy owns?
M says:
lol
M says:
oh my god it’s theresa may.
M says:
like condoleeza rice, she reminds me of something out of star trek
Steve says:
u can have her as well if u want her!
M says:
eeeeeew!!!!!!!
to quote from a friend at school: “if you’re going to bat for both teams, at least bat fucking properly.”
(not said *to* *me* i hasten to add).
Steve says:
I know - I can trust yr taste
(pause)
Steve says:
pardon?! What did teresa may just say?
M says:
i wasn’t listening.
Steve says:
no bother then - lame joke
M says:
no go on
Steve says:
she just said “I need to leave you in a minute as I have to go down” Jeremy Paxman said “pardon?” she explained that she meant to her constituency
M says:
*laughing so much i can’t type*

(5 or so minutes later)

Steve says:
Sorry she’s no babe (the tory on the box) I’d rather have anna ford!
M says:
i totally agree, she’s a minger!!!! take it all back!!!! well she needs to do her eyebrows anyway.
(incidentally, i can’t pluck my own eyebrows, it’s too painful. i alwas get my mum to do it when im at home. how embarrassing!!!)
Steve says:
u should ask < name of a certain bloke at uni > to do it for u…!
M says:
i’m not into S&M, sorry!
M says:
trust me, me in pain is not erotic!!
Steve says:
I dare say.

M. and Steve. Redefining the term “Lively Political Debate” since 2005.